New Moon

posted Dec 13, 2009, 6:02 PM by Jeff Brandt   [ updated Feb 6, 2010, 10:48 PM ]
Warning: If homoerotic werewolves make you feel threatened, do not look to the right side of this page.

At this point, New Moon is already kind of old news. It had a ginormous opening week and a couple good weeks afterward, and between domestic and foreign audiences, it's already recouped the expense of its $50 mil budget tenfold. Yes, it's kind of a turd, as you would expect if you saw Twilight or encountered rabid Stephanie Meyers fans in the streets, but I will make an admission:

New Moon is more polished a turd than Twilight.

What is to credit for this? Maybe the writing, maybe the directing. Hell, I don't know. I'm going to go out on a limb and say it's because of Taylor Lautner's tolerable acting. If you pointed a gun at my head and demanded that I identify myself as being on Team Edward or Team Jacob, I would easily pick the latter. The Native American tribe members who turn into werewolves make much more interesting and three-dimensional characters than the stuffy, pasty white vamps. Jacob, as opposed to Edward, is really a down-to-earth guy. He and his friends are indeed troubled about their fate of morphing into beasts against their will from time to time, but they're not so moody and sorrowful as the Cullen clan. And at least they eat food instead of people.

Also, even I have to say . . . Look at the guy's abs. How could Bella see that and want to go back to Edward? Jacob is impossibly buff. Really, Robert Pattinson is ugly if you think about it. The only thing he has going for him is the David Bowie look he has when he wears sunglasses. Other than that, he's a genuine prick and a creep to boot. What kind of girl gets a fuzzy feeling knowing that her boyfriend has been sneaking into her bedroom to watch her sleep?

So the middle part of the movie, where Bella dates Jacob and builds motorbikes, is the most worth watching. The beginning where Bella cries and howls about Edward leaving and the ending with the vampire council are totally lame. Overall, it's total crap, but if you must watch it because your girlfriend or someone else drags you along, just pretend to be buying popcorn and using the bathroom until about 30 minutes in. Stay for about an hour, and then walk out whenever Alice (acted by the truly awful, but very attractive, Ashley Greene (who has some naughty pics scattered over the internets, if you're interested)) returns home to the Cullen family's mansion in Forks. The plot is just asinine and not even worth recounting, but a few decent scenes make New Moon bearable, whereas Twilight had me wanting to puke the whole time.
 
Upcoming movie reviews: An Education, A Serious Man, Fantastic Mr. Fox (hopefully)


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