Deadpool #900

Close Encounters of the ****ed up Kind -- Driving a station wagon full of dead Russians, Deadpool is suddenly abducted up to an alien space ship. When he decides being anally probed by a giant metal drill isn't his thing, he chews off his own arm and goes on a rampage.

• Silent But Deadly -- Deadpool encounters a trio of mimes armed only with "psychomorph transistors." Basically, they can just point their fingers, pretend to have guns, and their thoughts become real. There are so many reasons to buy this issue (which costs $4.99 at your friendly neighborhood comic shop), but deadly mimes should be reason enough.
• Deadpool: Shrunken Master -- 'Pool visits a shrink to confront his problem with schizophrenia. The good doctor seems quick to point out his shortcomings . . . until Deadpool points out an episode in his life that he would much rather forget. Justice in Deadpool is sweet -- and almost always bloody.
• Pinky Swear -- In my opinion, this is the best story in the book. This 11-pager is a joint effort by writer Joe Kelly and artist Rob Liefield, two men who know about all there is to know about Mr. Wilson. Deadpool is fending off a legion of baddies when a watch he bought as a seven-year-old goes off to remind him of a promise he made twenty years before in middle school. In detention hall, the two made a bet about whether Lloyd would marry the sci-fi TV star of his dreams. If he doesn't, Lloyd has to perform a number of bleeped-out sex acts on horses. If he does, Wade must surrender a year's worth of vintage nudie mags. While fighting, Deadpool reminds him of the bet; meanwhile, various parts of Lloyd's house explode, his dog, Peepoo, becomes a weapon, and Deadpool's hot scientist love interest of the day goes crazy after having pint after pint of blood and guts splashed on her. If Marvel's forthcoming Deadpool movie is half as hilarious, absurd, and just plain bizarre as this half-length comic, it will be a massive success.
• What Happens in Vegas -- Deadpool sets up a crime scene in Las Vegas motel where he's the "victim" and waits for the inept investigators to arrive. Writer Duane Swierczynski riffs nicely on the stereotyped, one-dimensional characters in crime dramas who always seem to come up with off-the-wall crime analyses rather than obvious ones. Random chickens ensue.
• Great Balls of Thunder on the Deep Blue Sea -- Victor Gischler, who writes the new, ongoing Deadpool: Merc with a Mouth series, pens a lighthearted piece on what it's like when Deadpool goes on vacation. After pissing off pretty much everyone on the cruise ship for being a poor sport at volleyball and shuffleboard, a classic Spider-Man villain reveals himself and challenges 'Pool to a game of ping pong. One hint: think Elton John with quadruple the arms.
• One Down -- Certainly the most morbid entry in this collection, we have a chance to put the daily bane of Deadpool's existence into perspective. His problem? He couldn't die even if he wanted to. And he does want to. Here, the voices in his head are more annoying than comic. Despite being in great shape, his body looks like one big, mean scab -- his skin blisters like overcooked cheese pizza. The juxtaposition of digital effects and old-stylie color saturation make "One Down" look downright sickly. There's humor here, but it's dark. To be honest, this story actually made me a little sad -- which has got to be 20 times rarer than comics that make me laugh.
• Deadpool Team-Up #1: Turning Japanese -- Evidently, even before he was a Weapon X experiment, Wade Wilson was a sumo wrestler. Big, fat, living in Japan, and everything. A mission sends him back into this forgotten territory, and our protagonist finds himself face to face with old friends and unfinished business. Plus he gets to fight a clone of himself who's less than half his height. The little guy is so cute you kind of want to squeeze his cheeks. Except, you get the feeling that if you did that, before you could finish saying "coochie coo," your skull would be cut up, gooey slices flopping to the ground like an upset plate of flapjacks.

OK, at this point I'm past 1300 words and need to quit. But you get the idea. Deadpool is awesome, and you should buy this book, even though $5 seems like a big chunk of change to spend on a comic. But as you can see, this issue is loaded. You may even be tempted to read all of the stories in one sitting, which I advise against. I came close to doing that and felt like I had eaten too much candy. Sometimes your brain can only handle so much of a good thing at a time.